Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I want to be like other people.

I'm getting real tired of being like me. Understand, I'm not tired of being me, just tired of being the way I am. I want to be like other people. I want to be the way I used to be. I want to wake up in the morning somewhat refreshed. I used to do that. I didn't start waking up tired until a few years ago. I remember what it feels like. I could wake up and go willingly into the shower, then get ready for work, or whatever, feed the cats and dogs, and even make whatever breakfast for myself. I almost never felt like I was so utterly tired that I needed to go back to sleep for a few hours. Now that's all I ever feel.

I want to look forward to taking a shower and getting dressed - not like it's an unfortunate but necessary chore. I want to have someplace to go, something to do that I don't hate. The only "job" I've enjoyed since I retired from the Army was when I was a self-employed website designer after I graduated with a two-year degree in Advertising and Graphic Design. I networked and got actual work I enjoyed, but then I got a divorce and had to move to another state. I don't have the energy or frame of mind I need to be self-employed anymore. I've tried a couple of times, but I'd really have to be more proactive than I am anymore. Eventually I made up my mind that, whatever I think I might do to be self-employed and make some money will only end up as another abandoned idea, and so I've quit thinking about it.

I want to have a clean house. It's exhausting to keep a house clean. But you know, it's also exhausting to live in a messy house. Every time I clean I swear that I'll never let it get so bad again. Then I do. I want to have the energy to clean my house, to wash my dishes, to do what a normal person does to keep their house clean. I want to care. I don't care. It's just me and the cats and dogs. They don't care. And I want to be able to clean without pain. I can't stand and wash dishes without my hip hurting. Same for sweeping and mopping. It's hard enough to try to talk myself into cleaning without having to think about the hip pain. I want to have some energy again. I really want to clean and work around the house. I really do. But I have no energy, and I have this damned depression, and I have this damned hip and knee pain. So I have learned not to care. It's all I can do to survive. Don't care.

I want to have a nice house. I want people to come in and think, "What a nice house." I don't want a fancy house. I just want it to be comfortable. And I want everything to work. I'm tired of having plumbing problems and electrical problems and phone problems and roof problems and bug problems.  Problems, problems, problems.

Fatigue. Pain. Depression. That's my life. I don't want to be this person anymore.

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