Wednesday, June 18, 2014

F*ck Everything!

Yesterday was my birthday. Two people I know wished me a happy birthday - my brother and a former boyfriend. My brother sent me a card and wished me a happy birthday on Facebook, while the former boyfriend was only on Facebook. One stranger on Google+ wished me a happy birthday. I got some birthday acknowledgements from people who want my business or my money, or both. Those don't count. Silk sent me a $1.00 coupon which is actually very much appreciated, since I buy a lot of Silk Soymilk. (I quit buying cow's milk and started buying soy milk mostly because the soy milk lasts much longer in the refrigerator.) My mom has dementia and/or alzheimers (I'm not sure there's a difference), so she doesn't have to remember my birthday, and I don't expect her to. She did, though. She called me two days before my birthday and said she knew I had a birthday but couldn't remember the day. People forgetting my birthday hurts a little, but that's not why I feel the way I do.

There are days when I neglect to take my meds. If I do that two or three (or more) days in a row I get very angry and extremely short-tempered. I don't exactly "forget" to take my meds. I say that I "neglect" to take them, instead. I'll think about it and think that "this isn't really a good time," because it's too close to bedtime or something like that, and I'll skip the meds until it's a better time. But then I'll forget until later, when it's not a good time again. On and on it goes until I've skipped my meds for a few days and I'm ready to start killing cats. I haven't killed any cats as a result of skipping meds, but that's probably an accident.

I have a lot of cats, and they often annoy me to a breaking point. A few of them spray urine everywhere. I've had it on my computer, my coffee maker, up on the kitchen counter, all over walls and cabinets - everywhere - and it makes me want to scream when I am well medicated. When I've been off my meds it makes me want to kill them. Literally.

So I've been off my meds for a few days (took some a couple of hours ago) and it was my birthday and I'm out of money (like every month at this time), and my house is a mess and my yards need to be mowed. So F*uck Everything!

I'm sick of people. I'm really, really sick of people. I've all but given up Facebook for the last couple of weeks. I post things that are important to me and a vast majority of the time they go ignored by people who are my "friends." No they're not. They're "Facebook friends," which is a term that does not mean anywhere near the same thing as "friends," and which needs to be changed. Let's call them "Facebook connections." You can't ask for a favor. You can't ask to borrow money. You wouldn't expect them to help you move. You could pour your heart out to them, but they would only be confused, wondering why you're pouring your heart out to them. Did you possibly confuse them for someone else?

I'm a loner. I've evolved this way mostly by accident, but it suits me. I don't feel there's a person in the world who I'd want to "hang out" with. There's no one around for thousands of miles who shares my thoughts, ideas, definitions, etc. I have had people I've called friends in my past, but the Army always interfered and sent us off in separate directions. And since I retired in 1993, I've had no one I could honestly call a friend. That's okay. I'm not lonely. My dogs and cats (yes, the cats, too) provide me with any companionship I might need, and I don't have to compromise. I'd have to do that with any human companions - compromise. I'm not sure I could. When you reach your 60's and you've been alone for many years, you tend to not want to compromise with anyone about anything. Oh, the little things don't matter, like what to eat for dinner. But when it comes to big things like the color of the house (inside or out) or how many pets to have, I want my way. I guess this is more of a partner issue than a friend issue. Although, if I painted my house moss green and my friend hated it, that could be a problem, depending on how she/he handled her/his opinion.

Enough about my mood. I'll take my meds for the next few days and I'll feel fine. Yay for chemistry!

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